Some people are made for visibility.
They walk into a room and everyone knows they’re there.
Confident, engaging, always ready with something to say.

Me? I linger at the side.
Wearing my best “don’t talk to me but also don’t think I’m rude” face.
Wondering how soon I can leave without it being weird.

Even online, it’s the same – I’m usually the one thinking about replying… then drafting… then deleting.

I’ve Been Described as a Thousand-Page Book

Someone once told me I’m like a thousand-page book.
You don’t skim me. You sit with me.
You read slowly, and if you miss the little things, you miss the point entirely.

And I’ve come to love that.
But I also know most people don’t stay long enough for that kind of read – they prefer blurbs and highlights.

So even though I have a lot to say, I sometimes feel invisible.
Not because I don’t care, but because I don’t always know how to be loud enough, fast enough, or consistent enough to be able to stay on people’s radar.

I’m Weird… But Apparently in a Cool Way?

That’s another thing people have said about me – I’m “weird, but in a cool way.”

It’s said with affection, I think, and honestly? I’ll take it.

Because yes, I overthink almost everything.
I talk too much about chocolate.
I write blog posts instead of talking to people.

But if that’s weird, I’ll own it.
Because this version of weird creates slowly and with feeling.
It might take time, but it’s real.

Football Manager and the Content Spiral

Let’s talk about FM for a second.

I always have ideas – there’s a growing list of save ideas and guides – but they get pushed aside.

Because when I go to write them, that feeling kicks in again: someone else has already done this.
They’ve done it louder and better and with graphics.

I compare myself before I even begin, and just like that, the thing I was excited about becomes another unfinished draft.

I’m Not Playing Hard to Get

It’s not that I don’t want to be involved – it’s just that showing up, online and offline, sometimes takes everything I’ve got.

I don’t disappear because I don’t care.
I disappear because I overthink replying. Then it’s been three days. Then it feels too awkward to reply at all. So I ghost unintentionally, and spend the next week wondering if I should change my name and delete the internet.

I’m not trying to be mysterious, I’m just trying to hold myself together in a space that rewards the exact opposite of how I operate.

The Algorithm Prefers Loud

In content spaces, it feels like everyone’s chasing momentum.
We have to say something first, and we have to get it right, all while being constantly visible.

But that’s not how I work – I need time to think and to shape things.
To decide if I even want to say anything at all, and usually by the time I’m ready, the conversation has moved on.

So I don’t jump in.
I watch and I listen.
I wait until it feels right – which means sometimes, it never does.

What I Haven’t Posted (Yet)

I want to write about the saves that I’ve played.
I want to talk about women’s football in FM.
I want to write poetry about the newgen with the tragic hair.

But I hold back, because I wonder if it’s original enough, or if I’m just repeating things others have already said.

So it stays in a folder and I tell myself maybe later.
Maybe when it’s better… maybe when I’m better.

Why I Keep Coming Back to FM

Despite the self-doubt, despite the slow output, Football Manager is the one thing I always return to.

Because it lets me build something without an audience.
Because there’s no pressure to explain myself in a save file.

FM reminds me that it’s okay to take your time.

Where I Feel Most Like Myself

There’s a version of me that lives happily – at night, on the laptop, with the cat snoring next to me.

That’s where I feel like a person again.
Not performing and not comparing.
Just making something that feels like mine.

That version of me is calm, a little funny, and finally at ease.
And I’d love for her to be the one people meet.

I Still Want to Be Included

Even though I’m quiet, I still want to be part of things.

Even if I don’t speak much.
Even if I need time to warm up.
Even if I leave early or say something strange and then vanish for five business days.

I still want to be invited, because being quiet isn’t the same as not caring.
Sometimes it’s just a matter of energy or fear.

Let me show up, and I’ll slowly find my way.

I’m Still Here

I haven’t posted as much as I thought I would.
I haven’t finished everything I started.
But I’m still here.

Still thinking.
Still building behind the scenes.
Still trying to figure it out.

Still the thousand-page book.
Still weird, in the cool way, maybe.
Still not loud.
But definitely present.

And for now, that’s enough, even if I do have 999 pages left to go.